REFLECTIONS ON REBUILDING MY LIFE AFTER WIDOWHOOD

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” - Anonymous

The moment we lost our beloved; our best friend, lover, and partner in life, whether it

was suddenly and without warning, or after prolonged illness, we were completely

transformed. We innately knew, deep down, that everything in our lives had shifted, and

neither we nor our lives would ever be the same again. The floor beneath us had

dropped, and we had fallen deep into the abyss; into a life we no longer recognized or

comprehended. Life had suddenly morphed and shape-shifted into one of shock, fear,

anger, overwhelm, and yes, sometimes, profound loneliness.

For me, all these feelings and many more have been brought to bear over these eleven

plus years since losing my beloved husband, Charlie, to suicide. Knowing I would never

grow old with him was incomprehensible. It still is. The life we had shared, and the

future life I had envisioned we would share died along with him on that fateful day.

Over these years, as I have fallen into the groove of a new life, (because yes, my friend,

life does go on) I still have moments of incredulity about the fact that Charlie was seven

years older than me, and today, I am four years older than he was when he passed. I

still find it difficult to wrap my arms around the fact that I was left behind and am aging

alone, without him by my side to share in the experience of growing older together. I still

feel cheated! Perhaps you can relate.

On the day I received “the call” that brought me to my knees and would forever change

me and life as I knew it, I never imagined I would ever stand again, let alone be able to

walk into a new life; a life without Charlie in it. Never. Metaphorically, the Phoenix that

had been rising, rising, rising to new heights with each passing year, had in an instant

caught fire, and crashed to the earth in a hellfire of flames and ashes.

But here’s the thing. The mythical Phoenix, which is a universal symbol of hope,

immortality, and the ability to overcome great trials, regenerates itself and is born into a

new life!

And from the day I lost Charlie, and although seemingly impossible, this is what I was

tasked to do. And this is what you were tasked to do. To pick up the remnants of our

shattered selves, our shattered lives, our shattered hearts, and begin to piece them

back together; to somehow cobble them into a shape we surely don’t recognize; an

imperfect shape, but a complete shape nonetheless; the shape of the very new, and

very different, oftentimes scary life that awaits us after losing our precious mate.

In my book, Love Loss Light, Illuminating the Path Through Grief, each chapter tells the

story of a blessing that revealed itself to me within the darkest depths of my grief and

anguish. This included finding a place of refuge to heal, and from willing inner strength

into existence knowing that being knocked down repeatedly didn’t negate the steps I

had been taking to move forward. Perhaps you too can relate to this “one step forward,

three steps back” nature of grieving and healing.

In my chapter titled, The Blessing of Acceptance, I write:

“The ritual of grieving in and of itself can make us feel disempowered, victimized, and at

the mercy of our pain and suffering. But at some point, on our journey, we begin to

realize that as much as we might long for the life that once was, our new reality dictates

we must begin to imagine the unimaginable; building a new life without the presence of

our lost loved one. This seemingly impossible feat is one of the hidden blessings of grief

and loss, for it is the one aspect of our grieving over which we have some measure of

control. We get to choose how to fill and occupy the space that our loss has created,

and the ability to choose is empowering. The void will be filled regardless, so it’s best if

we consciously choose how best to fill it. The possibilities are endless!”

And then…

“But how do we begin to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and move forward?

When will each of us finally arrive at the final signpost on our grief journey; Acceptance?

“Each of us arrives at the place of Acceptance in our own way and in our own time. We

will know that we’ve arrived if we can honestly answer “yes,” with our heart and not our

head, to the question that this place will ask each of us: Is the risk of remaining rooted in

this spot, looking back longingly on a life that was but can no longer be, more painful

than looking ahead to a life of new possibilities?

It took me years to arrive at this signpost and be able to honestly say “yes!” But I got

there. From the first brought to my knees moment, (and honestly, I still experience those

from time to time) to arriving at the place of acceptance was no small feat, but I know

from my own experience that it is possible.

So dear reader, I pray that when you arrive at this signpost, however long it may

take…for your journey is your own, that you will be ready to say “yes” to your new life. I

will end with another excerpt from my chapter, The Blessing of Acceptance.

“When we reach this step, it is as though we see our life and our lost loved one more

clearly and with renewed vision. Thus, both our life and our loved one become that

much more beloved and precious to us. We may even begin to imagine the possibility of

welcoming in another emotion that has been concealed in the dark folds of our pain,

one we thought we’d never feel again: joy!

You’ve got this! I wish you love. I wish you peace. I wish you joy.